For starters, I am struggling with indecisiveness. I fail to make the most of each day. I am withdrawing from my spiritual practice, though I am eagerly and hungrily waiting for a miracle to boost my efforts, and fill me with motivation. Proposing to Bhawna was definitely born out of this wishful thinking, that proposing to her, would boost my self-esteem and propel me towards my intense preparation. For the starting month, I was so fine with my studies, I was getting on track and living up to my expectations, as for example, I didn't masturbate for almost two months, a feat I have been trying to achieve for a long time.
But I slipped, once she shared something intimate about herself, I lost it, and once I lost it, I kept spiraling down, and then the month of July was just sliding down that path. I stopped studying altogether and now I am back to square one.
I keep struggling to get that external motivation, and I find myself addicted to that wanting. I don't have the self-discipline. Even if it comes, it is rare and sporadic and doesn't last more than a few days. Tasks that are at my hand, goals that I want to achieve require more earnest efforts and I fail to deliver on them.
I don't want to talk to anyone, I feel talking to others just drains me, sometimes they contribute something good but mostly it is just lamenting over our respective lives. No one is doing better. At least not in my immediate friend circle. I feel lost, continuing in this job, and the future seems bleak. Moving to something better requires a great deal of effort, which I am lacking in. And thinking about marriage, I think it would rob me of the only productive year left for me.
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