trauma

I have been in the habit of working in two shifts. One job was to love my interests and exploring them to find my way into it, another one was to please my parents, doing tasks which were tedious and disinteresting to me. So the outcome was a tired me. I have a fatigued expression tagged to me. It has always been tiring, leaving me unsatisfied and complaining. The moral code required me to be upbeat and respectful but since I had become so used to the whole juggling thing that it became a way of life and so my anguish turned towards, not the life itself, but towards the enforcers. Their ignorance and lack of apathy made me hostile towards them. They never had encouragement for me, demeaning all my hobbies and passions to childish distractions, and they adopted an agenda of 'censuring' and 'disgust'. The lashed at me with those fiery words and expressions, belting my ways of perceiving as rebellious and unjust. All their gesture of ungratefulness, disrespect and torture was turned other way round to point at me, branding me the doer instead of the receiver. I , the dependent one, who never had an opportunity to materialise his inner quest, was tagged the disdainful. One who was ungrateful for the bitter porridge forced down his throat; one who was disrespectful towards them who dismissed his excruciating pain as pretentious groans; one who is rebellious towards his own guardian angels for providing him protection - a caged protection.
I was allowed to develop an identity, which would exist only if they deem it fit. I wonder what would've happened if I had a queer sexual orientation. My mother might have beaten me into submission to mend my ways. Well since I have always been a fighter, I never will yield to ordeals persisting. Though the struggles have never been easy and also emotionally drowning with future happiness on tenterhooks, yet I'll never yield, fighting this unkind, inconsiderate society.
They can settle for a monotonous life but I won't. I want to be an adventurer and this flickering flame will never be extinguished. Yes, I may have turned the unkind but remember - you were first.