Self-Evalutaion and Others' evaluation

 You lived in ignorance and thought lowly of numerous people around you. Rajeev was one such guy. Because you envied his coolness and popularity in school, you chose to belittle the guy and ignored him, not that he needed your affirmation or friendship. But you tag people based on their lifestyle choices. But what you clearly turn a blind eye towards are how everyone else just kept learning from their own life without so much going into mindful learning, and also kept succeeding. You, on the other hand, chose to live in your self-designed cocoon. You have a habit of labelling people as intellectually inefficient because they fall short of your measuring scale. This habit has rendered you useless for others because you can easily be perceived as a conceited ass who has a failing societal standing. Today you saw an Instagram post of Rajeev where he posted of his engagement with a girl that he mentioned that he had been dating for 8 years. Guys like him have always had more success with girls, but that has attributed to other parts of their lives as well. These guys had self-awareness of themselves earlier than you did. Why? Well because they learned much earlier in life to look at themselves from another person's perspective. Something that you still are struggling with. They wooed girls and dated hot girls (probably even experienced adulthood sooner too) and thatswhy had a vantage over guys like yourself who lived in ignorance of the realities of the world because they were busy living inside their own head. These guys started working on their body, got aware of their swat-analysis and made their societal progress much earlier because they had started experimenting with their time when you were still asleep, dreaming of waking up one day. 

Of course, you too have gained many things, cuz every side of the tale has both highs and lows. Things you acquired are valuable too, it is just that you are struggling to trade them on the market now. Other guys are ahead of you as they didn't wait to scavenge for the most valuable item, they made their way selling whatever little they acquired and by doing so they moved ahead of you. You waited long searching for more valuable things, unfortunately, you kept searching long in a limited field, you should have kept moving and searched in many places. 

Anyway, the past is past. The point being, you should appreciate people who are living their lives, even if they are not in some intellectual pursuit. 

The Frankfurt School: Erich Fromm on LOVE

 Source: Philosophize This #150

Source material: Erich Fromm book " The Art of Loving "

• Quote from the book "Love is the only sane and satisfying answer to the problem of human existence."
• Human impermanence (his minute existence on the larger canvas) compels him to connect to something greater. 
• Human is fundamentally alone and he realizes this truth
• So the human seeks a partner he doesn't feel much separate from
• Those who don't produce something great (something that makes them less separate from the greater canvas), starve for love
• The new popular idea, viz, 'Becoming Lovable' which says that you have to be so&so to become lovable, like hit gym, become successful, is basically asking from you, acc to Fromm, 'to be more marketable' but this is a 'transactional love' or 'narcissistic love' where you are asking another person to be Something and in return, you are giving them Something.
• You have made yourself into a 'product' that has a similar Exchange Value
• But this can't continue. Because sooner or later you will get bored of the product. This appeals to the more basic Consumerism in us. 
• This 'Scratch my back and I scratch Yours' strategy results in fail or unhappy relationships.
• Fromm "Domination springs from impotence and in turn reinforce it. For if an individual force someone to serve him, his own need to be productive is paralyzed."
• Acc to Fromm, the solution to love someone is 'learning to be Alone'
• Love is not a Noun, its a Verb
• Fromm "Love is a passionate affirmation of an object. It is not an effect. but an act of striving in inner relatedness the aim of which is the happiness growth and freedom of its object, it is readiness which in principle can turn to any object including ourselves."
• Fromm means, you cannot love any one person, until you love everyone because otherwise you'll be always choosing person with which you can gain something'
• Love doesn't happen to you, people don't have to approve you for loving them. Love is a choice you make. You love people for who they're not what you want them to be. 
• If you choose not to give love to others, you are not receiving it either.
• love needs to be projected outward. 
• Love is an ART
• Living is an ART
• A person who dedicated to their ART. An illustrator will see a bench different than others. A musician listen to noise in street different than others.
• Becoming an artist is a 24X7 immersion not when you feel like doing it
• Similarly practising LOVE a full-time job. It is a skill
• But modern society want us to strive for success, prestige, power, money. Thats why if you want to be truly loving being, you have to be counter-culture as well.
• HUMILITY, COURAGE, FAITH and DISCIPLINE = to be a great artist
• HUMILITY : you can't pretend to know you know everything. Open to change and all the lessons available to you. With ego you will improve slowly. you can't choose to love people whom you think is worthy, you only sabotaging the process.
• COURAGE: process is always uncomfortable. 
• FAITH: To master something, you have to practice 1000 times, but people who stick till the end bcz they accepted their failure with faith that it will be possible in the end.
• DISCIPLINE: You practice something daily, LOVE is not a passive process, you practice it daily. A state of intensity, awareness, and enhanced vitality. 
• LOVE is ultimately about GIVING and the thing you are giving to others is - YOURSELF.
• YOU have to learn to LOVE yourself first enough to be healthy enough to be able to practice it healthily.
• 
  

Off From Temptations #26Dec2020

 Today is 26th Dec 2020. Past one month I am quite active on tinder and okcupid. I have got many matches and have talked to many girls. This is getting exciting. I might even get laid if I persevere enough. But is this what I want? 

I have my SBI PO prelims on 5th Jan. I have a sure shot of clearing through. Entire year I have been sincerely practising. May be there are others who are more sincere than me, who have 110% chance of clearing the exam but I have given my best in years. I do not have that much chance of succeeding but c'mon the chances are not slim either. I have to just be actively chasing the goal. If I keep practising and do not slack, I might become PO. 

So why am I anxious? Because lately I have grown lax. I am craving rewards. My focus is dwindling. There are so many distractions. I am not giving my 110% efforts, not even 75%. There is so much to do, I actually know what more I can do, and these are essentials but I am too negligent and distracted to cover them honestly. 

For ex, I am not revising mocks everyday after giving them. I have to revise all the quant ques notes that I have prepared. I have to skim through them in a week span. I have to prepare GS notes by the 5th Jan or when will I revise them. Your SBI and IBPS mains level will be on 28th Jan onwards, like 2-3 days gap. For that I have to give 2 hours minimum to writing down all GS notes. I am not doing that either. 

What am I doing? I am talking funny to random girls, acting their moral guru, a suave and funny talking guy who is trying to get in their pants. Is that all that I want? Will that help me in any way? I might get laid if I keep myself at it. But I will fuck up my studies. 

Please please, get serious dude. This new ritual that you've adopted of giving mummy your phone to hide away for whole day will pay off. Keep at it. And then be more sincere to your studies. What do you need? Proper timing to study? Improvise. But dedicate at least 6 hours to your studies and mocks. That much is non negotiable. You know that. 

If you fail, unfortunately you will also be aware of the reasons for your failures. And that will eat you away.

My anxious self

It's numb, it's in dark

The walk alone

Unsteady faltered and tumbling

Demons call me out

Lips utter no sound

Throat mine is dry

The eye not doing

What sounds are around

Teeth chattering, bones crackling

The smell of sweat and blood

Where thou lead me? 

Who there, whose eyes are thee?

At distance, it shines

Feary, glaring and all terrifying

A walk alone, to meet the ire

A time was when

Leering judgements made no sense

A time is now

When there's a judgement upon me

An unholy place

An unholy rule

I to live among

An unholy folk

Gakkai

Gakkai is just an organization, and just like every other, it also has its base in both moral and immoral grounds. Organization is the rope hanging over the valley of civilization, giving you the hope that since it is elevated above the chaotic world, it might be better to hang onto it rather than following the randomness of the chaos in the valley. But one has to realize this that it is not so. Organizations are made by the same people who are down there. It is no different, just more harmonized. To expect it to be an abode of blissful souls is just wishful utopian thinking. You'll be bitterly disappointed. I've been in Gakkai since forever, from the time I became concious of myself and this world, I have been in touch with Gakkai. My father now has been practicing for 25 years, exactly what my age is. There have been many changes that I have witnessed. He has become calmer as the years went by, but to attribute it to Gakkai would be a misleading statement, it was more so because of lack of energy and opportunities in his life, which made him more and more composed, it would be better to say that he stopped fighting his circumstances and accepted whatever life threw at him with a despondent attitude. And people can't give up their practice of Gakkai out of fear, since they've been dependent on it for so long that now they don't know how to survive without it, they dare not go back into chaos. 

Now I also believe being in Gakkai is good. Why so? Simply because if you're capable of critical thinking, have a larger goal in life and know how to stay afloat, not get bothered by your expectations and results, just stay in for a good fight, being anywhere is good. When you are that upbeat person, whom nothing can deter because he doesn't allow anything or anyone to affect his fighting spirit, he can live anywhere and eventually become dominant in that atmosphere. Well f you've a place where there are people who are nice, or pretending to be nice, you've fewer things to worry about. But if you get too dependent or attached to that atmosphere, you'll again be disappointed. 

For me Gakkai is like a bar, you don't have to live there, but timely rationed visits will quench your thirsty mind. 

Many people argue that Gakkai is a 'cult'. It is a person-centric organization, full of weak people who are gullible, it tames people into mindless practitioners. Then tell me this, isn't that happening with everything and everywhere. People working in companies, aren't they being forced to work for capitalist opportunists. There they work because they get repaid in money. They know the products and corporations they're working for, are deceiving masses, still they continue. Similarly, in religious organizations, one is repaid in spiritual peace of mind and to add to your relief, Gakkai has no ill-will at its core, but true humanistic values. Of course there is a frenzy and fanatical approach towards the momentum, but,  I say, be concious of what you're getting into. Chant wholeheartedly, attend meetings and live a value creating life. But most of all, if you're truly concerned for yourself, be completely honest, to yourself and to others. Don't hold grudges, speak it out,  you'll be only helping people by being honest, that way you always keep your exits clear. Becoming a mindless follower is your problem, it's not organization that tricked you, you were simply too ignorant to see and understand the workings of the world. 

#26/8/19

Key To Victory (NewAgeIndia campaign)

5may-19
Today I realized the key of victories: to be determined at every single moment or simply to take each moment as an opportunity to do your best. Make this your way of living and you would always be motivated. Every moment will become crucial and more importantly, you would start living in the moment. Treat every single opportunity preciously because you have seen the drought of opportunities. For so many years of your early 20s you have had so few opportunities to showcase your inner potential, mainly because you failed to create moments that would lead you to greater opportunities. You used to wait for destiny to throw bones for you to chew, rather a man should go out and hunt for his share. You need to set traps to ensnare greater opportunities. When you start treating every activity as an opportunity, you lay out a conscious pathway behind you which makes it easy to track you.
So from now onwards you've to be keen, conscious and determined at each moment of your life. Each encounter, each action, each conversation, each meeting, each breath should be a conscious decision. That's the secret of victory. This is my plan for this Campaign which will continue till September. From today I've 102 days to actualize my victory. I will secure a job. I will materialize a solid atmosphere for grooming of my art and craft. I will be financially free. My comrades in faith will report victories in their own life. Bansouri ji will be venerated in her family and will joyfully share her victory. Uttam will have a golden breakthrough. Other YMDs will become strong in their understanding of Buddhism.

JerkHeads

23june19
The likes of you isn't hard to direct. You're just zebras, each trying to be in the center of the herd. Each trying to be unique without dropping their masks or revealing their true self. You are morally good because you can't afford to be bad. Inside you're just the same as those who are terrorists, corrupted or hypocrite. But unlike them you're blessed to be in a nurturing and sane environment. If thrown into chaos, you wouldn't be any different, just another deluded, self-indulgent, unconscious being. You are another one of those cowards who haven't discovered their true self because they lack the audacity to look inside for their demons. Your compassion is your masquerade that you use to mingle into your pretentious society. You haven't yearned and thus never understood true compassion, courage and wisdom.

21aug19
You just do your classwork but not your homework. Whatever was taught to you conventionally, you accepted it and stopped questioning or finding your own versions or definitions of ideas that might or might not be conventional but could suit you and your children's lives. It was more convenient to stand into pre-existing spaces which were cleared for masses, no matter how uncomfortable, it was easier than finding and clearing your own space. You voted as if you were going to choose between what kind of pickle would you get. You didn't have the self awareness to sit down for a week and give a sweeping view of past five years gov policies, no sincere discussion at home about what and what not is wrong/right, you give more thought to what would you do if next time Manzle-papa get another one of his kids married. But not a single fuck was given to national interest which will affect your next five years. And then you have the audacity to pass judgements over how irresponsible and ignorant citizens of this country are. You are them. You have been an irresponsible citizen, an irresponsible human and an irresponsible father.
Instead of talking, analyzing and trying to know your own son, you invited strangers to strike a deal with him. He was stupid enough to trust your judgements. I can't trust you with anything anymore. Mother is just deluded, she has her own sets of rights and wrongs, she has yet to understand the dynamics of reality, she has her own naive, constrained reality. To give her a holistic view is like revealing to a caveman that the earth is round, the immediate question is 'I don't believe it because I have not seen it'. She hasnt been able to believe in anything and she lacks the resource and the will to dwelve deeper. Both are myopic and adamant and that's how the majority of the world is (someone they claim they are above morally). And 'me', I'm an unexpected anomaly, they are damn sure I don't know anything. Since I'm unemployed and failed to get a good tech-job, I supposedly lack capability to think or contemplate logically, so they can easily dismiss me. I mean how could my views be worth listening to. And therefore unfortunately if I don't raise my voice or ain't loud enough (metaphorically), I'm convenient to ignore. And when I land a strong headed question that might threaten their inner sanctum of EGo, they would become emotional and hyper and start giving answers in rhetorical loops (a tactic they have learned from their beloved political leaders whom they keenly watch on primetime news networks).

Another rant

After many days we entered in a spat. I was perfectly in senses but there was not slightest of hesitation in me in how was I responding. I am doing my best to get a job. They need to understand that it's not me but the problem with the system which is holding me back. But no they never understand this, and consequently blame me. And so I have become insensitive towards them in response to their insensitivity. I gave no feelings in me. I can't feel any emotions. Empathy has vaporized from inside of me. I have no one who ever catered to my emotions, everyone just demands an emotional support but aren't ready to bear others' emotions. Now when I see someone close to Mr crying, I weigh it rationally. I don't simply stop myself from hurting them, I look for justice. I work by law, justice and punishment system. I hate it. I want to feel like human. It's becoming a rare sight. I have become cold, calculative and cruel. Everyone loves playing  i-am-the-victim role. Show-me-some-sympathy. Selfish Idiots. No sound philosophy to live by. Just criticizing and mocking everything. Pleasing the tyrant and ignoring the weak. Zebras. Throw these  attributes on them, and suddenly they get inflamed. Bastards. And I'm the prick? Of course I'm. You made me. It's convenient to look over, saves you the shame, but this 'me' is just to protect myself from your emotional- selfish-neediness. Dumb jerks.

Dusk to Dawn storiez #27aug18

I am really sorry. I masturbated. Couldn't continue with the OATH. It was just overpowering me, I was not having the heart in studies or in any other activity. Sexual gratification is a burning phase of my life. Now the OATH has not phased out. Now that I have adhered to it for 7 days, I will continue to do so till 5th Sep, still, 10 days to go. It would be challenging but I have learned many things from the undertaking. Firstly, don't even dare to entertain the idea of any kind of sexual thought. The real challenge is to keep your interests at bay from those tempting fantasies. Once they find a place, it is difficult to uproot them. It might get a start from simplest of things, like browsing through Clashedhorns page or looking at some random vulgar pics, they set the ground for further ideas to develop. So far I feel gratified from last night's masturbation, now the ordeal is to just keep myself at peace. This week is all about studying and therefore I will report about the tiniest of fluctuations in my desires. 

Dusk to Dawn storiez #20aug18

Yes yes I know, I have to talk about the last OATH that I undertook yesterday, well, honestly mind did wander for many times, but ultimately I didn't surrender to the temptations. Couldn't be top-notch though, as I have the Clashedhorns page, I did surf, knowingly that I would stumble upon some graphical raunchiness, and I can't say for sure, but I do remember seeing something mild of the sorts. Anyway, the tagline is that I didn't end up masturbating. 

Oh so going through the report of the day, as it was Sunday, papa and I marched to our respective meetings. I went to Shalimar's and it was a fresh feeling for me because after many years I went there as a guest, a seeking one in that regard. It was refreshing and though I did add a few points at hither thither but didn't intervene much and it was a smooth flow. Meeting was engaging and pleasingly bulky. We had a new guest, a YMD but he would move to nearby Ramprastha, introduced by a new active family. Another pleasantry was having another new WD making a steady presence. Also, concept (Oneness of Self and Environment) was well prepared, if not very refined, but then again, meatful. I felt relieved for 'CHRISTDAKE! 'sarcastically. 

Today our 'manzali dadi-ma', who had been staying with us for one week, was going back. I wonder when I will meet her again. I have promised her that I will come but I am unsure when would I be lucky to see her again. Apart from Nana-ji, she is the other 'maha'-maternal figure. I honestly tried to give her the respect from my side. I think I wouldn't have done anything for her to be offended.  

Facts about Manzali Dadi-ma:

• she was born in 1941 and brought up in Nawada
• she was married in 1962 I guess
• she had given papa her own milk in glass
• she talks most of the time over the phone to one of her 12 grandchildren and their mothers
• she is extremely fond of them and all those she is entitled to as a motherly figure
• she had to see a young daughter's death (24) during some festival, she has been broken since then and her faith dwindled
• she was devoutly loved by her husband and she acknowledges it 

Over dropping her to Sonali bua's rented house in Vasundhra, I had the fate of meeting her two sons, Aarsh and Aarush. Both are contrasting in personality and both are striking. One (younger) an overly-absurdly speaking-intelligent boy (reminds me of Nimish) and other (older) overly-talkative and nerdy boy, he chooses a trustworthy listener who would compliment his morals. I was left to his musings, and he, I would not say bored me, but for generosity sake, kept me all ears.

the Nature of Life

Faith. 

What is it exactly? Is it the summation of our beliefs or is it more than that. My identity is a cohesion. I am exacting that this deep-seated belief system that we develop decides the course of faith. So now it might not sound very elusive, suddenly its mysticism has dimmed.  What caused this sudden downfall, its 'what we believe in, is it right'. Now this 'right belief'' is the question worth pondering upon. It feels nice to put it in the category of a 'moral question'. But then again, what key does an ordinary person hold, that would unlock the enigma? At this moment mind wanders to the thought, what if the real question is 'who to trust?' Trust, woah! isn't trust a summation of your faith. So what is faith, it is the trust that we have on something and we believe that by protecting, cherishing and polishing it, it would cherish, protect and polish us also. When we believe something is correct, the inner urge of keeping it for oneself is the cause we start living for. Commitment to a cause. But I dwell further, questions have not left looking for my traces. 'What if the way we're comprehending this affair is wrong?'