Story of Kunal

 

The Story is about Kunal. Kunal works at a Japanese Research Institute. He is a senior Physicist researching at the core of quantum entanglement and its application. He is in that country for a long time now, almost 15 years. His research work has taken him all around the globe and he has been awarded many accolades for his work. He is gaining quite a name for himself in the niche field. One day he learns that his Mausi is struggling with a disease and might not survive and she expects to see him before her demise. It has been more than 10 years since he last visited that town, he fears that he might not return if he goes to India.

Kunal was born at a semi-urban village city 100 km away from Meerut. He was schooled at a nearby school of bricks and mortar and just like every boy of his age in that small town, he had no idea of a world outside of that place. He only saw it on TV and that there is a sprawling city Delhi just 300 km away from his town. Even as a child he dreamed to live there. His Mausi, who was a widow, was married off in a second marriage to another widower and she has started living in the outskirts of Delhi.

He was in 7^th class when he first heard of the idea that he and his elder sister who was of 16 years at the time might be sent at their Mausi’s. He thought his dreams have come true but the idea soon was thwarted as there was not much excitement shown by their Mausi’s family.

Mausi who had remarried a widower, had no children of her own. Neither did her second husband had any children from his first wife. They were trying for their own child. They had even tried some city-magic medical treatment for this, something called IVF but no luck so far. Two years later, his Mausi finally invited him and his sister to live with them. His sister was now 18. This invitation came unexpected and his parents and other folks were not excited this time as their daughter was coming of age and city life could be corrupting.

But at this juncture his local school teacher came to Kunal’s rescue. He was also a local guardian of sorts as he was an old fellow who retired from teaching in public schools and had opened his own private school in the small town. He had struggled hard in uplifting the educational standard of the town and people regarded him with great awe and respect. He advised his parents to not rob Kunal of his future. He and his sister, if they are getting a chance, should avail it. They should trust their family values and morals and send these kids on their own journey.

It was after this encouragement from the village elder, Kunal and his sister were sent at his Mausi’s house. She lived in a Janta-flat in Rohini, a sub-city in the north-western part of Delhi. For Kunal and his sister, it was a new world altogether as they could see how easy it is for them to get lost in this concrete jungle.

Kunal was admitted in 9^th in a new school. His sister had completed her 12^th in Dhalia, the native town. A year later she got admission to a nursing course.

Kunal started attending his new school and became friends with Samay and Vishal. Both were his classmates and he divided his school hours with them as both belonged to two different groups. 9th standard was difficult and nothing made much sense to Kunal. He was struggling and it was evident in his marks. So his Mausi started looking for different tuition centres. He was sent to different tuition centres around the year but no one came close to his rescue as every test was reflective of his lack of understanding. 

9th standard came to conclusion and Kunal barely managed to pass all his papers. This was a worrying development and everyone from here at Mausi's place to the village were berating him for his lack of understanding. 

In 10th standard, he was sent to Batra Sir's tuition classes. His marks improved and Kunal developed a newfound interest in mathematics. In 10th he also participated in the school debate competition and his personality started to take on a new course.

Boards came and went and Kunal had scored decent marks in all his subjects. This led to the broadening of his understanding of himself. He had started to stretch his limits. Amid all this, Batra sir had started inviting him on Sat and Sun for 'Growth Classes'. This was an unusual thing for Kunal. In these classes, he was taught spirituality and self-development. He started developing an interest in literature and experimentation with different music. He also became more curious and started questioning authority. This led to a confrontation at school with a teacher. 

Later, Batra sir guided him to curb the monstrosity inside him and channelise the energy in constructive ways. 11th concluded and his marks had significantly improved. Within a year he had shown much progress. 

12th continued with the same fervour. He had started to cultivate a dream to indulge in further science and make a career in it. In the same year, he developed a liking towards a fellow classmate, Suparna. 

They started dating and Kunal started missing out on many important things as on weekends Suparna and he started meeting. In the guise of Growth Class, he went on dates with her. This continued for a few months and November arrived. In the first term exam, there was a slight dip in the marks, lower than his expectations, but in the second term exams, the marks dipped further and this was a wake-up call for him. 

So he broke off with Suparna, got back in the habit of studying again and took Batra sir's teaching method as a guiding star. 

He scored very well in 12th but this was not enough for DU's cut off list. He was again at crossroads.

After 12th board exams, he was not sure how to proceed since he was not securing seats in top colleges that he aspired for and he knew his parents could not be subjected to further pain with an extra burden of donation. 

He received some guidance from Batra sir. He advised him to take some time for himself and make a more sound judgement, free of all the other influences. He was introduced to different religious practices by his parents and mausi. He was asked to wear rings of different gemstones. He had to offer oil to a banyan tree on Saturdays and was also asked to fast every Tuesday. This was all too much for an 18-year-old boy but he still confided in the old religious belief of his parents, not out of faith in all these practices, but out of respect for his guardians.

He finally took a bold decision and decided to drop a year and delve deeper into his skillset and hone his academic acumen. Batra sir offered him a job at his tuition centre. He was asked to prepare question papers for different class groups and analyse each student tests. He was offered a monthly salary and also was allowed to self-study for different competitive exams at the Batra sir's tuition space. 

For an entire year, he pondered over his interests, his aspirations and his worth. He was making a small earning and tasting financial liberty for the first time. Interactions with Batra sir on different topics ranging from politics, socio-economic conditions, geopolitics to spirituality, Vedas were subconsciously shaping his character. Years later he will reminiscent this year as the most value-creating phase of his younger self. 

During that year, his vision cleared and he finally decided to pursue higher science and become a research scholar. He applied for undergraduate programs for various state universities and was selected for Bsc in Physics at Punjab University. 

Was it a cultural shift? It was a question I had no realization of at that time. How my life was going to turn around I had no knowledge at that time. How could I? Life is funny, it brings along a great change in subtlest of fashion. My sister, Rhea, and I, were witnessing a once in a lifetime upheavel which we could not have anticipated. Life in Dhalia could very well have been predicted. If I had grown there, I would have become one of 7-8 characters which are easily found in these small places. But a young boy, I was thrown into a chaos and now my fate was uncertain. Here in the city, I could be anything. There are no limited characters to choose from. City life is unpredictable and no one can say what a young person can and can’not become.

When brought to this city, few things were already on card. I found admission in 9^th standard at a private school. This was different from government school at which I had studied hitherto. Initially school was not ready to give me admission to 9^th standard as my academic background was not upto their expectation. Later I learned that the school gave me admission because somehow my father, a small-farmer, had given a heavy donation for me to be admitted in 9^th standard.

First day of school is as fresh in my memory as if it happened yesterday. I sat alongside a polite, well-spoken city boy, Samay. He was chirpy and had a smiling face. Friendship was easy with him. But the trouble was I sat at the front desk. This was overwhelming for a boy like me. I have never been timid in my life, but somehow that day I felt I was under some kind of microscope. First class was Science and I instantly felt in awe of Mrs Meena mam. Her face was old and kind and she had a way with words that easily calmed me down. She asked me to stand up and introduce me and I learned that she is our class-teacher. We learned something in chemistry that all sounded alien to me.

School continued. I befriended two groups of friends and both had a huge difference between their lifestyle. Samay’s group was a bunch of mild-spoken, not so studious but fairly docile. They are a bunch that all teacher feel more comfortable around as they never ask questions and they never partake in any kind of trouble. The other was that of Vishal. Vishal belonged to Baghpat. His language was raudy and this group was keen in causing all kinds of troubles.

I learned a good deal from Vishal and his group. We hang around during games period and during lunch I was with Samay’s group. I juggled between Vishal and Samay’s group throughout 9^th class. I was a leaf left in a wind, I was swaying all sides, with no concious effort from my side, no agenda from my side.

Once, my Mausa ji took me to Chandni Chowk, to his office. Well he was a manager at a Sweet shop chain joint at Chandni chowk. The pay was not good and job not secure. He had been here for 6 years, just after his first marriage. At office, I sat at the cashier table, why was I brought here? Well because my mausi had insisted him to take me to see the city. I have been fairly good with numbers since childhood. But I was extremely poor with theoretical maths. Well I was an average student at my old government school, but here in the city I had fallen even that level and now I was struggling with all subjects.

Mausa ji asked the gatekeeper to take me out on a tour of Chandni chowk in evening. It was a chaos, a complete chaos. Everyone was going everyway. I had problem keeping track of Ramsingh who was my tourguide, well he better never make a transition of jobs and become a tourguide, because he sucked at it big. Ultimately it happened what I was fearing. I lost him in some random gali he took me in.

I didn’t know which gali I was in. I kept surfing from one gali to another, with my heart throbbing hard. I had heard stories about young people being sold in big cities, all those stories started to race in my mind. For the first time I panicked in life. Nothing made sense. It then struck to me that I had a vague idea of the name of Mausa ji’s shop. It was something called Wah-ji-wah Sweets. I findally made my way back to shop after an excursion of 3 hours. Back at shop I was berated like a dog.

In Diwali I and sis came back to my town Dhalia. I never realized how much I could miss my mother before I saw her. It was joy unknown but I had learned to not show my weakness to others. I guess, we learn things like that in course of growing up. But my mother had not learned that skill and she showered my and sis with lots of love and sweets. Her sweets tasted much better than that of my Mausa ji’s shop.

Both papa0mummy made me realize that they are expecting me to shine in life and for the first time I realized that I am carrying responsibilities in form of their dreams.

On returning for the second-term exam which was in December. First term exam had a dismal performance from me. I had barely managed to pass all the subjects, but second-term was passed in all the excitement and fun with both the groups. I had no qualms till then to score decent marks in exam, I was there oblivious of the expectations that rested on my shoulders. Life so far was lived in struggling with other issues. For the first time I was in close vicinity of females of my age which in itself was both exciting and punishing for myself. It was the beginning of self-awareness for a boy of 15 years. Everyday I was waking up to new revelations about myself. My skin was duskier compared to other boys, it also had blemishes and shades which added a more sulking texture to my face. My height was fairly decent and my built was sturdy, but I was lean and looked malnourished in front of Samay and Vishal.

Second-term came and went, and I had no knowledge as to how I should study for it. Though I was not absent-minded, but classes made little sense to me. Especially Mathematics and Science. They were spoken in some language that could very well be foreign to me.

As I reached 9^th final exams, finally it kicked into me what all was expected of me and how far I have ventured into. Life was going to be tough and I had no way of measuring what all was happening to me. I was consumed by anxiety and fear. I didn’t know how to study for exams and what I feared, happened. I somehow passed in other subjects, but got compartments in Maths and Science.

This was a jolt to me, but it wreaked havoc on my Mausi and parents. My Mausa simply rebuffed that he had expected that from me. What good can come from mindless tv and new sneaky entertainments that I had been engaging into late nights?

It was a complete disaster and I was terrified to my bones. In compartment exams, I managed somehow, with help from Samay and a neighbour, to pass.

10^th commenced and it was the beginning of new trials and tribulations. I had still not understood how to deal with anything, and now what previously made a little sense, now was more alien than before.

It was around April, just the beginning of summer vacation that my Mausi was told about an old man living on the topmost floor of the corner most building in the street across us. She told my parents, who instantly sent more money to be spent on my education.

The first day in the tuition was uncomfortable as the whole set-up was completely unexpected. I entered a wooden door and came into a room that was a weirdly disordered set-up.  I was greeted with ogling eyes by boys and girls of all age groups. They followed me walk across the room, and for the first time, I laid eyes on Batra Sir and Batra Aunt. Sir was a stern-looking man, whose eyes were sunken deep into the socket and temple protruded in front. But he wore a stern smile for me and when I didn’t smile back, he simply revealed his teeth, which apparently were crooked, gave a funny aspect to his otherwise stern face. I bowed as our Indian customs require us to. Batra aunty welcomed me in a kind voice. She asked me to come and sit at her table. I bowed back to this fat lady who was draped in a white sari with green borders, loosely wrapping her overwhelming built.

I started going three days a week to the tuition class. Summer vacation continued and it was for the first time in my life I was living in a strange city with new people and with time in my hand. Tuition hours started at 4pm. Now I had already attended one other tuition the month before which was April. It had a general setup. It was synonymous with school classes, students of one particular standard came in bulk, sat on the stiff plastic chairs which had a small table, and to manage even one A4 size notebook on it was a talent. The classes were a little over an hour and the sir did few questions on board to explain the concept and then did few others which applied the concept in some new way, at the end, we were given homework which added long excruciating hours in the schedule which had an already jampacked school homework and all this sucked the marrow of the bone, viz, my summer vacation. The long homeworks were justified by constant reminders of the coming board exams of 10^th which were to be held the next year.

Since I was struggling with even half of the homework, I talked to Mausi ji that the tuition was too much and that I can manage my studies on my own and if I could drop the tuition. It was allowed and Mausi observed me for a week and reported to the village that I sat with a book for most of the hours but managed to do little of the required, as was checked by Mausa ji later at night. Life had become monochromatic for me. The burden of my responsibilities towards my parents and the kindness being thrust over me by Mausa ji is being constantly reminded to me for major portion of the day. If I am ever seen anywhere around the television, my mausi ji doesn’t miss the opportunity to rebuke me for being tempted by the idea of entertainment. I don't know where Mausa ji has learned the word ‘hedonist’(years later I would learn its meaning) and throws it carelessly to address me.

Life has become so overbearing lately. I don't find a single moment of peace, earlier I awaited daily calls from Ma, but lately, I've started to fear it. She always talks over an hour with Mausi, god curse this cellphone technology, most of the time I can hear both of them crying over my fate and my lack of seriousness. 

Mausi has heard about some old man who lives in an apartment across our street. He has a different setup for maths tuition. A new gimmick, wow, as if my life is not already tough.

So that’s how I was sent to the Batra sir.

The ambience at Batra sir’s was completely unexpected. As previously told, everyone sat anywhere, there was no order, no regiments in which you had to fall. So on the first day, I sat on the table across Batra aunty’s. She was teaching English to a 5^th grader, as I sat down and looked around, she looked at me without raising her head, just raising her eyeballs, which looked large through the glasses, “Beta, are you comfortable?” “Yes mam,” I answered without understanding what she meant.

“Go on beta, take out your maths book and start studying.”

Now this was a surprise. Study! Well, I knew not how to respond to that, so I took out my book and register and bent over it. I opened the second chapter and started to do the same questions that I had already done before. Half an hour passed before Batra sir, who sat across the bigger table, which was in the middle of the room, which had 7 children of different ages sitting around. Sir was mostly surrounded by one or more kids and he was muttering to them, they were solving questions together. Then after he was done with one bunch, and they departed to sit on their respective seats, another bunch would surround him.

Finally when he got a moment, he invited me to stand beside him. So I stood up and started moving. I reached him and then stood like a pole beside him as he was peering into a maths book which seemed to be of a higher standard to me. He raised his head and met my eyes. “Dear boy, where is your book and notebook?” “On my table sir,” I replied. “Don’t you think you should bring them to me, go on, bring your subject to me, how else do you expect me to teach you?”

I hurried to my table, haphazardly grabbed book and notebook and rushed back to him. All this while he was gazing at me. I reached him and he broke into a smile. He had a snaggletooth and his otherwise serious face all of a sudden looked funny.

And then he guided me personally through the second chapter. He wrote with different coloured pens. Kept me involved in every step and at times even gave me time to come up with my own interpretation behind each step. I had a completely new way of seeing maths, it all looked easy, as if the answer and the logic was always there in front of me, I just was looking at the wrong things.

There was no coming back timing at Batra sir’s. You were allowed to study for as long as you wanted. I started enjoying Maths. There was no homework. That added a new flavour to my everyday life because I used to do more than enough questions at tuition itself, so when I used to get back, I immediately reported that I had done this much study at the tuition so that when I finally sat across television, though I was chased by hopeless eyes, I was atleast not chased by stinging remarks.

Sometimes I could get out of tuition early and though Batra aunty made sure that anyone who belonged to the same grade didn’t mingle with eachother outside the tuitions, I found Ram to be waiting for me downstairs sometimes. We started hanging out together and he introduced me to new friends in the park which they frequented often. They invited me to play football with them. Now I had played cricket at village but I had never played football. But I found it was easy, all I had to do was push people around when ball was with me and shoot it across the field into the goal-post.

School reopened and my summer vacations came to end. I had already completed five chapters in Mathematics. I even started to make sense of other subjects and 10^th boards finally came. I had done good on my pre-boards but that had brought a new-found courage in me to dream of impossible. I had started to dream of 95% for my 10^th boards. I laboured for it.

Boards came and went.

Self-Evalutaion and Others' evaluation

 You lived in ignorance and thought lowly of numerous people around you. Rajeev was one such guy. Because you envied his coolness and popularity in school, you chose to belittle the guy and ignored him, not that he needed your affirmation or friendship. But you tag people based on their lifestyle choices. But what you clearly turn a blind eye towards are how everyone else just kept learning from their own life without so much going into mindful learning, and also kept succeeding. You, on the other hand, chose to live in your self-designed cocoon. You have a habit of labelling people as intellectually inefficient because they fall short of your measuring scale. This habit has rendered you useless for others because you can easily be perceived as a conceited ass who has a failing societal standing. Today you saw an Instagram post of Rajeev where he posted of his engagement with a girl that he mentioned that he had been dating for 8 years. Guys like him have always had more success with girls, but that has attributed to other parts of their lives as well. These guys had self-awareness of themselves earlier than you did. Why? Well because they learned much earlier in life to look at themselves from another person's perspective. Something that you still are struggling with. They wooed girls and dated hot girls (probably even experienced adulthood sooner too) and thatswhy had a vantage over guys like yourself who lived in ignorance of the realities of the world because they were busy living inside their own head. These guys started working on their body, got aware of their swat-analysis and made their societal progress much earlier because they had started experimenting with their time when you were still asleep, dreaming of waking up one day. 

Of course, you too have gained many things, cuz every side of the tale has both highs and lows. Things you acquired are valuable too, it is just that you are struggling to trade them on the market now. Other guys are ahead of you as they didn't wait to scavenge for the most valuable item, they made their way selling whatever little they acquired and by doing so they moved ahead of you. You waited long searching for more valuable things, unfortunately, you kept searching long in a limited field, you should have kept moving and searched in many places. 

Anyway, the past is past. The point being, you should appreciate people who are living their lives, even if they are not in some intellectual pursuit. 

The Frankfurt School: Erich Fromm on LOVE

 Source: Philosophize This #150

Source material: Erich Fromm book " The Art of Loving "

• Quote from the book "Love is the only sane and satisfying answer to the problem of human existence."
• Human impermanence (his minute existence on the larger canvas) compels him to connect to something greater. 
• Human is fundamentally alone and he realizes this truth
• So the human seeks a partner he doesn't feel much separate from
• Those who don't produce something great (something that makes them less separate from the greater canvas), starve for love
• The new popular idea, viz, 'Becoming Lovable' which says that you have to be so&so to become lovable, like hit gym, become successful, is basically asking from you, acc to Fromm, 'to be more marketable' but this is a 'transactional love' or 'narcissistic love' where you are asking another person to be Something and in return, you are giving them Something.
• You have made yourself into a 'product' that has a similar Exchange Value
• But this can't continue. Because sooner or later you will get bored of the product. This appeals to the more basic Consumerism in us. 
• This 'Scratch my back and I scratch Yours' strategy results in fail or unhappy relationships.
• Fromm "Domination springs from impotence and in turn reinforce it. For if an individual force someone to serve him, his own need to be productive is paralyzed."
• Acc to Fromm, the solution to love someone is 'learning to be Alone'
• Love is not a Noun, its a Verb
• Fromm "Love is a passionate affirmation of an object. It is not an effect. but an act of striving in inner relatedness the aim of which is the happiness growth and freedom of its object, it is readiness which in principle can turn to any object including ourselves."
• Fromm means, you cannot love any one person, until you love everyone because otherwise you'll be always choosing person with which you can gain something'
• Love doesn't happen to you, people don't have to approve you for loving them. Love is a choice you make. You love people for who they're not what you want them to be. 
• If you choose not to give love to others, you are not receiving it either.
• love needs to be projected outward. 
• Love is an ART
• Living is an ART
• A person who dedicated to their ART. An illustrator will see a bench different than others. A musician listen to noise in street different than others.
• Becoming an artist is a 24X7 immersion not when you feel like doing it
• Similarly practising LOVE a full-time job. It is a skill
• But modern society want us to strive for success, prestige, power, money. Thats why if you want to be truly loving being, you have to be counter-culture as well.
• HUMILITY, COURAGE, FAITH and DISCIPLINE = to be a great artist
• HUMILITY : you can't pretend to know you know everything. Open to change and all the lessons available to you. With ego you will improve slowly. you can't choose to love people whom you think is worthy, you only sabotaging the process.
• COURAGE: process is always uncomfortable. 
• FAITH: To master something, you have to practice 1000 times, but people who stick till the end bcz they accepted their failure with faith that it will be possible in the end.
• DISCIPLINE: You practice something daily, LOVE is not a passive process, you practice it daily. A state of intensity, awareness, and enhanced vitality. 
• LOVE is ultimately about GIVING and the thing you are giving to others is - YOURSELF.
• YOU have to learn to LOVE yourself first enough to be healthy enough to be able to practice it healthily.
• 
  

Off From Temptations #26Dec2020

 Today is 26th Dec 2020. Past one month I am quite active on tinder and okcupid. I have got many matches and have talked to many girls. This is getting exciting. I might even get laid if I persevere enough. But is this what I want? 

I have my SBI PO prelims on 5th Jan. I have a sure shot of clearing through. Entire year I have been sincerely practising. May be there are others who are more sincere than me, who have 110% chance of clearing the exam but I have given my best in years. I do not have that much chance of succeeding but c'mon the chances are not slim either. I have to just be actively chasing the goal. If I keep practising and do not slack, I might become PO. 

So why am I anxious? Because lately I have grown lax. I am craving rewards. My focus is dwindling. There are so many distractions. I am not giving my 110% efforts, not even 75%. There is so much to do, I actually know what more I can do, and these are essentials but I am too negligent and distracted to cover them honestly. 

For ex, I am not revising mocks everyday after giving them. I have to revise all the quant ques notes that I have prepared. I have to skim through them in a week span. I have to prepare GS notes by the 5th Jan or when will I revise them. Your SBI and IBPS mains level will be on 28th Jan onwards, like 2-3 days gap. For that I have to give 2 hours minimum to writing down all GS notes. I am not doing that either. 

What am I doing? I am talking funny to random girls, acting their moral guru, a suave and funny talking guy who is trying to get in their pants. Is that all that I want? Will that help me in any way? I might get laid if I keep myself at it. But I will fuck up my studies. 

Please please, get serious dude. This new ritual that you've adopted of giving mummy your phone to hide away for whole day will pay off. Keep at it. And then be more sincere to your studies. What do you need? Proper timing to study? Improvise. But dedicate at least 6 hours to your studies and mocks. That much is non negotiable. You know that. 

If you fail, unfortunately you will also be aware of the reasons for your failures. And that will eat you away.

My anxious self

It's numb, it's in dark

The walk alone

Unsteady faltered and tumbling

Demons call me out

Lips utter no sound

Throat mine is dry

The eye not doing

What sounds are around

Teeth chattering, bones crackling

The smell of sweat and blood

Where thou lead me? 

Who there, whose eyes are thee?

At distance, it shines

Feary, glaring and all terrifying

A walk alone, to meet the ire

A time was when

Leering judgements made no sense

A time is now

When there's a judgement upon me

An unholy place

An unholy rule

I to live among

An unholy folk

Gakkai

Gakkai is just an organization, and just like every other, it also has its base in both moral and immoral grounds. Organization is the rope hanging over the valley of civilization, giving you the hope that since it is elevated above the chaotic world, it might be better to hang onto it rather than following the randomness of the chaos in the valley. But one has to realize this that it is not so. Organizations are made by the same people who are down there. It is no different, just more harmonized. To expect it to be an abode of blissful souls is just wishful utopian thinking. You'll be bitterly disappointed. I've been in Gakkai since forever, from the time I became concious of myself and this world, I have been in touch with Gakkai. My father now has been practicing for 25 years, exactly what my age is. There have been many changes that I have witnessed. He has become calmer as the years went by, but to attribute it to Gakkai would be a misleading statement, it was more so because of lack of energy and opportunities in his life, which made him more and more composed, it would be better to say that he stopped fighting his circumstances and accepted whatever life threw at him with a despondent attitude. And people can't give up their practice of Gakkai out of fear, since they've been dependent on it for so long that now they don't know how to survive without it, they dare not go back into chaos. 

Now I also believe being in Gakkai is good. Why so? Simply because if you're capable of critical thinking, have a larger goal in life and know how to stay afloat, not get bothered by your expectations and results, just stay in for a good fight, being anywhere is good. When you are that upbeat person, whom nothing can deter because he doesn't allow anything or anyone to affect his fighting spirit, he can live anywhere and eventually become dominant in that atmosphere. Well f you've a place where there are people who are nice, or pretending to be nice, you've fewer things to worry about. But if you get too dependent or attached to that atmosphere, you'll again be disappointed. 

For me Gakkai is like a bar, you don't have to live there, but timely rationed visits will quench your thirsty mind. 

Many people argue that Gakkai is a 'cult'. It is a person-centric organization, full of weak people who are gullible, it tames people into mindless practitioners. Then tell me this, isn't that happening with everything and everywhere. People working in companies, aren't they being forced to work for capitalist opportunists. There they work because they get repaid in money. They know the products and corporations they're working for, are deceiving masses, still they continue. Similarly, in religious organizations, one is repaid in spiritual peace of mind and to add to your relief, Gakkai has no ill-will at its core, but true humanistic values. Of course there is a frenzy and fanatical approach towards the momentum, but,  I say, be concious of what you're getting into. Chant wholeheartedly, attend meetings and live a value creating life. But most of all, if you're truly concerned for yourself, be completely honest, to yourself and to others. Don't hold grudges, speak it out,  you'll be only helping people by being honest, that way you always keep your exits clear. Becoming a mindless follower is your problem, it's not organization that tricked you, you were simply too ignorant to see and understand the workings of the world. 

#26/8/19

Key To Victory (NewAgeIndia campaign)

5may-19
Today I realized the key of victories: to be determined at every single moment or simply to take each moment as an opportunity to do your best. Make this your way of living and you would always be motivated. Every moment will become crucial and more importantly, you would start living in the moment. Treat every single opportunity preciously because you have seen the drought of opportunities. For so many years of your early 20s you have had so few opportunities to showcase your inner potential, mainly because you failed to create moments that would lead you to greater opportunities. You used to wait for destiny to throw bones for you to chew, rather a man should go out and hunt for his share. You need to set traps to ensnare greater opportunities. When you start treating every activity as an opportunity, you lay out a conscious pathway behind you which makes it easy to track you.
So from now onwards you've to be keen, conscious and determined at each moment of your life. Each encounter, each action, each conversation, each meeting, each breath should be a conscious decision. That's the secret of victory. This is my plan for this Campaign which will continue till September. From today I've 102 days to actualize my victory. I will secure a job. I will materialize a solid atmosphere for grooming of my art and craft. I will be financially free. My comrades in faith will report victories in their own life. Bansouri ji will be venerated in her family and will joyfully share her victory. Uttam will have a golden breakthrough. Other YMDs will become strong in their understanding of Buddhism.

JerkHeads

23june19
The likes of you isn't hard to direct. You're just zebras, each trying to be in the center of the herd. Each trying to be unique without dropping their masks or revealing their true self. You are morally good because you can't afford to be bad. Inside you're just the same as those who are terrorists, corrupted or hypocrite. But unlike them you're blessed to be in a nurturing and sane environment. If thrown into chaos, you wouldn't be any different, just another deluded, self-indulgent, unconscious being. You are another one of those cowards who haven't discovered their true self because they lack the audacity to look inside for their demons. Your compassion is your masquerade that you use to mingle into your pretentious society. You haven't yearned and thus never understood true compassion, courage and wisdom.

21aug19
You just do your classwork but not your homework. Whatever was taught to you conventionally, you accepted it and stopped questioning or finding your own versions or definitions of ideas that might or might not be conventional but could suit you and your children's lives. It was more convenient to stand into pre-existing spaces which were cleared for masses, no matter how uncomfortable, it was easier than finding and clearing your own space. You voted as if you were going to choose between what kind of pickle would you get. You didn't have the self awareness to sit down for a week and give a sweeping view of past five years gov policies, no sincere discussion at home about what and what not is wrong/right, you give more thought to what would you do if next time Manzle-papa get another one of his kids married. But not a single fuck was given to national interest which will affect your next five years. And then you have the audacity to pass judgements over how irresponsible and ignorant citizens of this country are. You are them. You have been an irresponsible citizen, an irresponsible human and an irresponsible father.
Instead of talking, analyzing and trying to know your own son, you invited strangers to strike a deal with him. He was stupid enough to trust your judgements. I can't trust you with anything anymore. Mother is just deluded, she has her own sets of rights and wrongs, she has yet to understand the dynamics of reality, she has her own naive, constrained reality. To give her a holistic view is like revealing to a caveman that the earth is round, the immediate question is 'I don't believe it because I have not seen it'. She hasnt been able to believe in anything and she lacks the resource and the will to dwelve deeper. Both are myopic and adamant and that's how the majority of the world is (someone they claim they are above morally). And 'me', I'm an unexpected anomaly, they are damn sure I don't know anything. Since I'm unemployed and failed to get a good tech-job, I supposedly lack capability to think or contemplate logically, so they can easily dismiss me. I mean how could my views be worth listening to. And therefore unfortunately if I don't raise my voice or ain't loud enough (metaphorically), I'm convenient to ignore. And when I land a strong headed question that might threaten their inner sanctum of EGo, they would become emotional and hyper and start giving answers in rhetorical loops (a tactic they have learned from their beloved political leaders whom they keenly watch on primetime news networks).

Another rant

After many days we entered in a spat. I was perfectly in senses but there was not slightest of hesitation in me in how was I responding. I am doing my best to get a job. They need to understand that it's not me but the problem with the system which is holding me back. But no they never understand this, and consequently blame me. And so I have become insensitive towards them in response to their insensitivity. I gave no feelings in me. I can't feel any emotions. Empathy has vaporized from inside of me. I have no one who ever catered to my emotions, everyone just demands an emotional support but aren't ready to bear others' emotions. Now when I see someone close to Mr crying, I weigh it rationally. I don't simply stop myself from hurting them, I look for justice. I work by law, justice and punishment system. I hate it. I want to feel like human. It's becoming a rare sight. I have become cold, calculative and cruel. Everyone loves playing  i-am-the-victim role. Show-me-some-sympathy. Selfish Idiots. No sound philosophy to live by. Just criticizing and mocking everything. Pleasing the tyrant and ignoring the weak. Zebras. Throw these  attributes on them, and suddenly they get inflamed. Bastards. And I'm the prick? Of course I'm. You made me. It's convenient to look over, saves you the shame, but this 'me' is just to protect myself from your emotional- selfish-neediness. Dumb jerks.

Dusk to Dawn storiez #27aug18

I am really sorry. I masturbated. Couldn't continue with the OATH. It was just overpowering me, I was not having the heart in studies or in any other activity. Sexual gratification is a burning phase of my life. Now the OATH has not phased out. Now that I have adhered to it for 7 days, I will continue to do so till 5th Sep, still, 10 days to go. It would be challenging but I have learned many things from the undertaking. Firstly, don't even dare to entertain the idea of any kind of sexual thought. The real challenge is to keep your interests at bay from those tempting fantasies. Once they find a place, it is difficult to uproot them. It might get a start from simplest of things, like browsing through Clashedhorns page or looking at some random vulgar pics, they set the ground for further ideas to develop. So far I feel gratified from last night's masturbation, now the ordeal is to just keep myself at peace. This week is all about studying and therefore I will report about the tiniest of fluctuations in my desires. 

Dusk to Dawn storiez #20aug18

Yes yes I know, I have to talk about the last OATH that I undertook yesterday, well, honestly mind did wander for many times, but ultimately I didn't surrender to the temptations. Couldn't be top-notch though, as I have the Clashedhorns page, I did surf, knowingly that I would stumble upon some graphical raunchiness, and I can't say for sure, but I do remember seeing something mild of the sorts. Anyway, the tagline is that I didn't end up masturbating. 

Oh so going through the report of the day, as it was Sunday, papa and I marched to our respective meetings. I went to Shalimar's and it was a fresh feeling for me because after many years I went there as a guest, a seeking one in that regard. It was refreshing and though I did add a few points at hither thither but didn't intervene much and it was a smooth flow. Meeting was engaging and pleasingly bulky. We had a new guest, a YMD but he would move to nearby Ramprastha, introduced by a new active family. Another pleasantry was having another new WD making a steady presence. Also, concept (Oneness of Self and Environment) was well prepared, if not very refined, but then again, meatful. I felt relieved for 'CHRISTDAKE! 'sarcastically. 

Today our 'manzali dadi-ma', who had been staying with us for one week, was going back. I wonder when I will meet her again. I have promised her that I will come but I am unsure when would I be lucky to see her again. Apart from Nana-ji, she is the other 'maha'-maternal figure. I honestly tried to give her the respect from my side. I think I wouldn't have done anything for her to be offended.  

Facts about Manzali Dadi-ma:

• she was born in 1941 and brought up in Nawada
• she was married in 1962 I guess
• she had given papa her own milk in glass
• she talks most of the time over the phone to one of her 12 grandchildren and their mothers
• she is extremely fond of them and all those she is entitled to as a motherly figure
• she had to see a young daughter's death (24) during some festival, she has been broken since then and her faith dwindled
• she was devoutly loved by her husband and she acknowledges it 

Over dropping her to Sonali bua's rented house in Vasundhra, I had the fate of meeting her two sons, Aarsh and Aarush. Both are contrasting in personality and both are striking. One (younger) an overly-absurdly speaking-intelligent boy (reminds me of Nimish) and other (older) overly-talkative and nerdy boy, he chooses a trustworthy listener who would compliment his morals. I was left to his musings, and he, I would not say bored me, but for generosity sake, kept me all ears.