Dusk to Dawn storiez #27aug18

I am really sorry. I masturbated. Couldn't continue with the OATH. It was just overpowering me, I was not having the heart in studies or in any other activity. Sexual gratification is a burning phase of my life. Now the OATH has not phased out. Now that I have adhered to it for 7 days, I will continue to do so till 5th Sep, still, 10 days to go. It would be challenging but I have learned many things from the undertaking. Firstly, don't even dare to entertain the idea of any kind of sexual thought. The real challenge is to keep your interests at bay from those tempting fantasies. Once they find a place, it is difficult to uproot them. It might get a start from simplest of things, like browsing through Clashedhorns page or looking at some random vulgar pics, they set the ground for further ideas to develop. So far I feel gratified from last night's masturbation, now the ordeal is to just keep myself at peace. This week is all about studying and therefore I will report about the tiniest of fluctuations in my desires. 

Dusk to Dawn storiez #20aug18

Yes yes I know, I have to talk about the last OATH that I undertook yesterday, well, honestly mind did wander for many times, but ultimately I didn't surrender to the temptations. Couldn't be top-notch though, as I have the Clashedhorns page, I did surf, knowingly that I would stumble upon some graphical raunchiness, and I can't say for sure, but I do remember seeing something mild of the sorts. Anyway, the tagline is that I didn't end up masturbating. 

Oh so going through the report of the day, as it was Sunday, papa and I marched to our respective meetings. I went to Shalimar's and it was a fresh feeling for me because after many years I went there as a guest, a seeking one in that regard. It was refreshing and though I did add a few points at hither thither but didn't intervene much and it was a smooth flow. Meeting was engaging and pleasingly bulky. We had a new guest, a YMD but he would move to nearby Ramprastha, introduced by a new active family. Another pleasantry was having another new WD making a steady presence. Also, concept (Oneness of Self and Environment) was well prepared, if not very refined, but then again, meatful. I felt relieved for 'CHRISTDAKE! 'sarcastically. 

Today our 'manzali dadi-ma', who had been staying with us for one week, was going back. I wonder when I will meet her again. I have promised her that I will come but I am unsure when would I be lucky to see her again. Apart from Nana-ji, she is the other 'maha'-maternal figure. I honestly tried to give her the respect from my side. I think I wouldn't have done anything for her to be offended.  

Facts about Manzali Dadi-ma:

• she was born in 1941 and brought up in Nawada
• she was married in 1962 I guess
• she had given papa her own milk in glass
• she talks most of the time over the phone to one of her 12 grandchildren and their mothers
• she is extremely fond of them and all those she is entitled to as a motherly figure
• she had to see a young daughter's death (24) during some festival, she has been broken since then and her faith dwindled
• she was devoutly loved by her husband and she acknowledges it 

Over dropping her to Sonali bua's rented house in Vasundhra, I had the fate of meeting her two sons, Aarsh and Aarush. Both are contrasting in personality and both are striking. One (younger) an overly-absurdly speaking-intelligent boy (reminds me of Nimish) and other (older) overly-talkative and nerdy boy, he chooses a trustworthy listener who would compliment his morals. I was left to his musings, and he, I would not say bored me, but for generosity sake, kept me all ears.

the Nature of Life

Faith. 

What is it exactly? Is it the summation of our beliefs or is it more than that. My identity is a cohesion. I am exacting that this deep-seated belief system that we develop decides the course of faith. So now it might not sound very elusive, suddenly its mysticism has dimmed.  What caused this sudden downfall, its 'what we believe in, is it right'. Now this 'right belief'' is the question worth pondering upon. It feels nice to put it in the category of a 'moral question'. But then again, what key does an ordinary person hold, that would unlock the enigma? At this moment mind wanders to the thought, what if the real question is 'who to trust?' Trust, woah! isn't trust a summation of your faith. So what is faith, it is the trust that we have on something and we believe that by protecting, cherishing and polishing it, it would cherish, protect and polish us also. When we believe something is correct, the inner urge of keeping it for oneself is the cause we start living for. Commitment to a cause. But I dwell further, questions have not left looking for my traces. 'What if the way we're comprehending this affair is wrong?'

  

Uruculator - Violinos

Suggested by Sumit (Bhawna's brother) when in January'2016 I visited their house.

It is a unique music and the trap used is both uncomfortable and rhythmic so could be used as stimuli when a situation is building up to arrays of scenes that would yield up into a dramatic turn. Better used in a contrasting set up like in a dinner table scene of the early 1900s as it would be like Samurai Champloo using hip-hop for traditional Japanese set up

Relaxation Music - 1 Hour Gentle Rain Meditation

trauma

I have been in the habit of working in two shifts. One job was to love my interests and exploring them to find my way into it, another one was to please my parents, doing tasks which were tedious and disinteresting to me. So the outcome was a tired me. I have a fatigued expression tagged to me. It has always been tiring, leaving me unsatisfied and complaining. The moral code required me to be upbeat and respectful but since I had become so used to the whole juggling thing that it became a way of life and so my anguish turned towards, not the life itself, but towards the enforcers. Their ignorance and lack of apathy made me hostile towards them. They never had encouragement for me, demeaning all my hobbies and passions to childish distractions, and they adopted an agenda of 'censuring' and 'disgust'. The lashed at me with those fiery words and expressions, belting my ways of perceiving as rebellious and unjust. All their gesture of ungratefulness, disrespect and torture was turned other way round to point at me, branding me the doer instead of the receiver. I , the dependent one, who never had an opportunity to materialise his inner quest, was tagged the disdainful. One who was ungrateful for the bitter porridge forced down his throat; one who was disrespectful towards them who dismissed his excruciating pain as pretentious groans; one who is rebellious towards his own guardian angels for providing him protection - a caged protection.
I was allowed to develop an identity, which would exist only if they deem it fit. I wonder what would've happened if I had a queer sexual orientation. My mother might have beaten me into submission to mend my ways. Well since I have always been a fighter, I never will yield to ordeals persisting. Though the struggles have never been easy and also emotionally drowning with future happiness on tenterhooks, yet I'll never yield, fighting this unkind, inconsiderate society.
They can settle for a monotonous life but I won't. I want to be an adventurer and this flickering flame will never be extinguished. Yes, I may have turned the unkind but remember - you were first. 

2017

2017 so far has been victorious on many grounds, let me analyse this year for its achievements and for what it fell short of: 
I remember posting last year about my issues on lethargy, I am happy to report that I took many painstaking efforts to resolve the issue. I received guidance from Vishesh ji in the month of April last year, and he advised me to get a job. So in the month of December 2016, I procured a job in a BPO with a lot of daimoku. I am certain I got it from chanting as it was just out of the blue as I got a salary of 20k and such a figure is not offered to a beginner, rather the company didn't hire newbies. Anyway, that salary figure enabled me to enrol in Korean language classes and theatre classes (I got some financial help from Surbhi). Also, the job required me to wake up early in the morning at 3:30am as cab used to come by 4:20am and I continued in the office until March in spite of challenging work environment. Those struggles from January to March tore away lethargy from my being.
In the April, I moved out of the house and went to live with Rahul Bhadana and Gaurav Chaudhary. Actually, there is an interesting tale behind my moving out. I had planned to run away from the house, I was planning to run away to Bhutan. I remember crying in silence for this separation from Surbhi. I packed my bags but couldn't move out the same day, in the night I told papa mummy that I am going to live with Rahul. The next day I went to their house-E162, Gandhi Vihar, GTB Nagar. When I reached there, I realised my debt of gratitude towards my parents. Even if they are not very intellectual and averageness dominates their thinking process, I still owe them a debt, I have to make them happy, so I started preparing for CGL-2017, also a job might ensure a financial assistance to my dreams of becoming a world-class actor. I had joined a theatre group, Actors Studio Company Theatre owned by Akhilesh Khanna sir. I juggled with my preparation and classes. It was all very adventurous.
I have cleared my prelims and in the month of November, I came back to my house. I am now preparing for CGL Mains that would be in January of 2018. I have taken a leave from theatre classes as it is not very worthwhile. I will join a more happening theatre group next year and I am sure I will not rest until I have become A Great Theatre Actor. Rather that would be the start of my desired life, I am just creating the base for the life that I desire to live for next 2 years.
Other victories that need mentioning is that I have overcome my 5 years addiction of smoking cigarettes. And I have learned to type on the keyboard, I started practising it when I was working in the office and after almost one year, I am very proficient at it. I have not smoked weed or drunk alcohol for last 3 months because of my preparation. It has been a fulfilling year.
For next year, which is the year of 'Brilliant Achievement', I will be more focused on my duties as a Gakkai leader and will work on my human revolution and my acting skills.

The very big change that is required of me now, that I have just recently discovered, and like lethargy is very nocuous to my greatness is 'my inability to being truthful'. I am a big-fat-lier. Lying is my default programming, I am so good at it that I have used this quality in shaping all the standards and bases of my personality. But I realized that I am a weak, incomplete, untrustworthy, unlikable fellow. I get liked by everyone when they get to know me but with the passage of time, they realise that he is shallow and there is no integrity in his words. I want to be a strong man, someone whose words are valued, whose opinion is cherished, whose presence is needed. I want to become a strong persona, who is confident about his own character. Who is unbending towards other strong characters and supportive and uplifting to those weak around him. Someone like Steve Jobs, Count of Monte Cristo, Josei Toda. I will be truthful, no matter how much harm it does me. Ofcourse I will be prudent, any truth that would harm others needs to be wisely dealt but I will not lie to anyone to make myself look good as that is being pretentious. This is the next thing I am working upon and would be installing it in myself in the course of next year. 

Most Beautiful Music Ever: "Everdream" by Epic Soul Factory

It can be a well-fitting soundtrack for a scene when there is a revival of meaning of life, or when there is a new refined touch added to one's, otherwise, monotonous life.

Relaxing Hang Drum solo music by Totohm Shanti (A Busking Life)

If life demands some peace and a vacation but you can't spare more than a few peaceful hours under an oak tree with luxury of earphones, give this piece a listen.

DAY#1 of Change

It starts today.
'What?' is what you will ask. Well I have decided to be the enemy of my lethargy.
This fucking lethargy thing is just killing me, more like I am sabotaging my life and career just because i don't find the energy to do what i am determined to achieve. And yes I do feel determined about my career but I have figured out that just feeling determined is not enough, it is rather a negative feeling if you cant kick off this demon of 'lethargy'.
One demon at a time, i have many other negativeness to fight but it will all start when I would defeat this lethargy.
Why I feel being determined is not enough is because if  you only wish to survive basing yourself solely on this virtue, you get stuck with your unchanged self which struggles to get hold of new things but fails every time because you never achieved your human revolution. 

Carlos Nakai: Earth Spirit

Out of so many native american music videos on internet, it is hard to come across a genuine collection. Listen to these tracks and get yourself acquainted with this soulful music.