Gakkai

Gakkai is just an organization, and just like every other, it also has its base in both moral and immoral grounds. Organization is the rope hanging over the valley of civilization, giving you the hope that since it is elevated above the chaotic world, it might be better to hang onto it rather than following the randomness of the chaos in the valley. But one has to realize this that it is not so. Organizations are made by the same people who are down there. It is no different, just more harmonized. To expect it to be an abode of blissful souls is just wishful utopian thinking. You'll be bitterly disappointed. I've been in Gakkai since forever, from the time I became concious of myself and this world, I have been in touch with Gakkai. My father now has been practicing for 25 years, exactly what my age is. There have been many changes that I have witnessed. He has become calmer as the years went by, but to attribute it to Gakkai would be a misleading statement, it was more so because of lack of energy and opportunities in his life, which made him more and more composed, it would be better to say that he stopped fighting his circumstances and accepted whatever life threw at him with a despondent attitude. And people can't give up their practice of Gakkai out of fear, since they've been dependent on it for so long that now they don't know how to survive without it, they dare not go back into chaos. 

Now I also believe being in Gakkai is good. Why so? Simply because if you're capable of critical thinking, have a larger goal in life and know how to stay afloat, not get bothered by your expectations and results, just stay in for a good fight, being anywhere is good. When you are that upbeat person, whom nothing can deter because he doesn't allow anything or anyone to affect his fighting spirit, he can live anywhere and eventually become dominant in that atmosphere. Well f you've a place where there are people who are nice, or pretending to be nice, you've fewer things to worry about. But if you get too dependent or attached to that atmosphere, you'll again be disappointed. 

For me Gakkai is like a bar, you don't have to live there, but timely rationed visits will quench your thirsty mind. 

Many people argue that Gakkai is a 'cult'. It is a person-centric organization, full of weak people who are gullible, it tames people into mindless practitioners. Then tell me this, isn't that happening with everything and everywhere. People working in companies, aren't they being forced to work for capitalist opportunists. There they work because they get repaid in money. They know the products and corporations they're working for, are deceiving masses, still they continue. Similarly, in religious organizations, one is repaid in spiritual peace of mind and to add to your relief, Gakkai has no ill-will at its core, but true humanistic values. Of course there is a frenzy and fanatical approach towards the momentum, but,  I say, be concious of what you're getting into. Chant wholeheartedly, attend meetings and live a value creating life. But most of all, if you're truly concerned for yourself, be completely honest, to yourself and to others. Don't hold grudges, speak it out,  you'll be only helping people by being honest, that way you always keep your exits clear. Becoming a mindless follower is your problem, it's not organization that tricked you, you were simply too ignorant to see and understand the workings of the world. 

#26/8/19

Key To Victory (NewAgeIndia campaign)

5may-19
Today I realized the key of victories: to be determined at every single moment or simply to take each moment as an opportunity to do your best. Make this your way of living and you would always be motivated. Every moment will become crucial and more importantly, you would start living in the moment. Treat every single opportunity preciously because you have seen the drought of opportunities. For so many years of your early 20s you have had so few opportunities to showcase your inner potential, mainly because you failed to create moments that would lead you to greater opportunities. You used to wait for destiny to throw bones for you to chew, rather a man should go out and hunt for his share. You need to set traps to ensnare greater opportunities. When you start treating every activity as an opportunity, you lay out a conscious pathway behind you which makes it easy to track you.
So from now onwards you've to be keen, conscious and determined at each moment of your life. Each encounter, each action, each conversation, each meeting, each breath should be a conscious decision. That's the secret of victory. This is my plan for this Campaign which will continue till September. From today I've 102 days to actualize my victory. I will secure a job. I will materialize a solid atmosphere for grooming of my art and craft. I will be financially free. My comrades in faith will report victories in their own life. Bansouri ji will be venerated in her family and will joyfully share her victory. Uttam will have a golden breakthrough. Other YMDs will become strong in their understanding of Buddhism.

JerkHeads

23june19
The likes of you isn't hard to direct. You're just zebras, each trying to be in the center of the herd. Each trying to be unique without dropping their masks or revealing their true self. You are morally good because you can't afford to be bad. Inside you're just the same as those who are terrorists, corrupted or hypocrite. But unlike them you're blessed to be in a nurturing and sane environment. If thrown into chaos, you wouldn't be any different, just another deluded, self-indulgent, unconscious being. You are another one of those cowards who haven't discovered their true self because they lack the audacity to look inside for their demons. Your compassion is your masquerade that you use to mingle into your pretentious society. You haven't yearned and thus never understood true compassion, courage and wisdom.

21aug19
You just do your classwork but not your homework. Whatever was taught to you conventionally, you accepted it and stopped questioning or finding your own versions or definitions of ideas that might or might not be conventional but could suit you and your children's lives. It was more convenient to stand into pre-existing spaces which were cleared for masses, no matter how uncomfortable, it was easier than finding and clearing your own space. You voted as if you were going to choose between what kind of pickle would you get. You didn't have the self awareness to sit down for a week and give a sweeping view of past five years gov policies, no sincere discussion at home about what and what not is wrong/right, you give more thought to what would you do if next time Manzle-papa get another one of his kids married. But not a single fuck was given to national interest which will affect your next five years. And then you have the audacity to pass judgements over how irresponsible and ignorant citizens of this country are. You are them. You have been an irresponsible citizen, an irresponsible human and an irresponsible father.
Instead of talking, analyzing and trying to know your own son, you invited strangers to strike a deal with him. He was stupid enough to trust your judgements. I can't trust you with anything anymore. Mother is just deluded, she has her own sets of rights and wrongs, she has yet to understand the dynamics of reality, she has her own naive, constrained reality. To give her a holistic view is like revealing to a caveman that the earth is round, the immediate question is 'I don't believe it because I have not seen it'. She hasnt been able to believe in anything and she lacks the resource and the will to dwelve deeper. Both are myopic and adamant and that's how the majority of the world is (someone they claim they are above morally). And 'me', I'm an unexpected anomaly, they are damn sure I don't know anything. Since I'm unemployed and failed to get a good tech-job, I supposedly lack capability to think or contemplate logically, so they can easily dismiss me. I mean how could my views be worth listening to. And therefore unfortunately if I don't raise my voice or ain't loud enough (metaphorically), I'm convenient to ignore. And when I land a strong headed question that might threaten their inner sanctum of EGo, they would become emotional and hyper and start giving answers in rhetorical loops (a tactic they have learned from their beloved political leaders whom they keenly watch on primetime news networks).

Another rant

After many days we entered in a spat. I was perfectly in senses but there was not slightest of hesitation in me in how was I responding. I am doing my best to get a job. They need to understand that it's not me but the problem with the system which is holding me back. But no they never understand this, and consequently blame me. And so I have become insensitive towards them in response to their insensitivity. I gave no feelings in me. I can't feel any emotions. Empathy has vaporized from inside of me. I have no one who ever catered to my emotions, everyone just demands an emotional support but aren't ready to bear others' emotions. Now when I see someone close to Mr crying, I weigh it rationally. I don't simply stop myself from hurting them, I look for justice. I work by law, justice and punishment system. I hate it. I want to feel like human. It's becoming a rare sight. I have become cold, calculative and cruel. Everyone loves playing  i-am-the-victim role. Show-me-some-sympathy. Selfish Idiots. No sound philosophy to live by. Just criticizing and mocking everything. Pleasing the tyrant and ignoring the weak. Zebras. Throw these  attributes on them, and suddenly they get inflamed. Bastards. And I'm the prick? Of course I'm. You made me. It's convenient to look over, saves you the shame, but this 'me' is just to protect myself from your emotional- selfish-neediness. Dumb jerks.

Dusk to Dawn storiez #27aug18

I am really sorry. I masturbated. Couldn't continue with the OATH. It was just overpowering me, I was not having the heart in studies or in any other activity. Sexual gratification is a burning phase of my life. Now the OATH has not phased out. Now that I have adhered to it for 7 days, I will continue to do so till 5th Sep, still, 10 days to go. It would be challenging but I have learned many things from the undertaking. Firstly, don't even dare to entertain the idea of any kind of sexual thought. The real challenge is to keep your interests at bay from those tempting fantasies. Once they find a place, it is difficult to uproot them. It might get a start from simplest of things, like browsing through Clashedhorns page or looking at some random vulgar pics, they set the ground for further ideas to develop. So far I feel gratified from last night's masturbation, now the ordeal is to just keep myself at peace. This week is all about studying and therefore I will report about the tiniest of fluctuations in my desires. 

Dusk to Dawn storiez #20aug18

Yes yes I know, I have to talk about the last OATH that I undertook yesterday, well, honestly mind did wander for many times, but ultimately I didn't surrender to the temptations. Couldn't be top-notch though, as I have the Clashedhorns page, I did surf, knowingly that I would stumble upon some graphical raunchiness, and I can't say for sure, but I do remember seeing something mild of the sorts. Anyway, the tagline is that I didn't end up masturbating. 

Oh so going through the report of the day, as it was Sunday, papa and I marched to our respective meetings. I went to Shalimar's and it was a fresh feeling for me because after many years I went there as a guest, a seeking one in that regard. It was refreshing and though I did add a few points at hither thither but didn't intervene much and it was a smooth flow. Meeting was engaging and pleasingly bulky. We had a new guest, a YMD but he would move to nearby Ramprastha, introduced by a new active family. Another pleasantry was having another new WD making a steady presence. Also, concept (Oneness of Self and Environment) was well prepared, if not very refined, but then again, meatful. I felt relieved for 'CHRISTDAKE! 'sarcastically. 

Today our 'manzali dadi-ma', who had been staying with us for one week, was going back. I wonder when I will meet her again. I have promised her that I will come but I am unsure when would I be lucky to see her again. Apart from Nana-ji, she is the other 'maha'-maternal figure. I honestly tried to give her the respect from my side. I think I wouldn't have done anything for her to be offended.  

Facts about Manzali Dadi-ma:

• she was born in 1941 and brought up in Nawada
• she was married in 1962 I guess
• she had given papa her own milk in glass
• she talks most of the time over the phone to one of her 12 grandchildren and their mothers
• she is extremely fond of them and all those she is entitled to as a motherly figure
• she had to see a young daughter's death (24) during some festival, she has been broken since then and her faith dwindled
• she was devoutly loved by her husband and she acknowledges it 

Over dropping her to Sonali bua's rented house in Vasundhra, I had the fate of meeting her two sons, Aarsh and Aarush. Both are contrasting in personality and both are striking. One (younger) an overly-absurdly speaking-intelligent boy (reminds me of Nimish) and other (older) overly-talkative and nerdy boy, he chooses a trustworthy listener who would compliment his morals. I was left to his musings, and he, I would not say bored me, but for generosity sake, kept me all ears.

the Nature of Life

Faith. 

What is it exactly? Is it the summation of our beliefs or is it more than that. My identity is a cohesion. I am exacting that this deep-seated belief system that we develop decides the course of faith. So now it might not sound very elusive, suddenly its mysticism has dimmed.  What caused this sudden downfall, its 'what we believe in, is it right'. Now this 'right belief'' is the question worth pondering upon. It feels nice to put it in the category of a 'moral question'. But then again, what key does an ordinary person hold, that would unlock the enigma? At this moment mind wanders to the thought, what if the real question is 'who to trust?' Trust, woah! isn't trust a summation of your faith. So what is faith, it is the trust that we have on something and we believe that by protecting, cherishing and polishing it, it would cherish, protect and polish us also. When we believe something is correct, the inner urge of keeping it for oneself is the cause we start living for. Commitment to a cause. But I dwell further, questions have not left looking for my traces. 'What if the way we're comprehending this affair is wrong?'

  

Uruculator - Violinos

Suggested by Sumit (Bhawna's brother) when in January'2016 I visited their house.

It is a unique music and the trap used is both uncomfortable and rhythmic so could be used as stimuli when a situation is building up to arrays of scenes that would yield up into a dramatic turn. Better used in a contrasting set up like in a dinner table scene of the early 1900s as it would be like Samurai Champloo using hip-hop for traditional Japanese set up

Relaxation Music - 1 Hour Gentle Rain Meditation

trauma

I have been in the habit of working in two shifts. One job was to love my interests and exploring them to find my way into it, another one was to please my parents, doing tasks which were tedious and disinteresting to me. So the outcome was a tired me. I have a fatigued expression tagged to me. It has always been tiring, leaving me unsatisfied and complaining. The moral code required me to be upbeat and respectful but since I had become so used to the whole juggling thing that it became a way of life and so my anguish turned towards, not the life itself, but towards the enforcers. Their ignorance and lack of apathy made me hostile towards them. They never had encouragement for me, demeaning all my hobbies and passions to childish distractions, and they adopted an agenda of 'censuring' and 'disgust'. The lashed at me with those fiery words and expressions, belting my ways of perceiving as rebellious and unjust. All their gesture of ungratefulness, disrespect and torture was turned other way round to point at me, branding me the doer instead of the receiver. I , the dependent one, who never had an opportunity to materialise his inner quest, was tagged the disdainful. One who was ungrateful for the bitter porridge forced down his throat; one who was disrespectful towards them who dismissed his excruciating pain as pretentious groans; one who is rebellious towards his own guardian angels for providing him protection - a caged protection.
I was allowed to develop an identity, which would exist only if they deem it fit. I wonder what would've happened if I had a queer sexual orientation. My mother might have beaten me into submission to mend my ways. Well since I have always been a fighter, I never will yield to ordeals persisting. Though the struggles have never been easy and also emotionally drowning with future happiness on tenterhooks, yet I'll never yield, fighting this unkind, inconsiderate society.
They can settle for a monotonous life but I won't. I want to be an adventurer and this flickering flame will never be extinguished. Yes, I may have turned the unkind but remember - you were first. 

2017

2017 so far has been victorious on many grounds, let me analyse this year for its achievements and for what it fell short of: 
I remember posting last year about my issues on lethargy, I am happy to report that I took many painstaking efforts to resolve the issue. I received guidance from Vishesh ji in the month of April last year, and he advised me to get a job. So in the month of December 2016, I procured a job in a BPO with a lot of daimoku. I am certain I got it from chanting as it was just out of the blue as I got a salary of 20k and such a figure is not offered to a beginner, rather the company didn't hire newbies. Anyway, that salary figure enabled me to enrol in Korean language classes and theatre classes (I got some financial help from Surbhi). Also, the job required me to wake up early in the morning at 3:30am as cab used to come by 4:20am and I continued in the office until March in spite of challenging work environment. Those struggles from January to March tore away lethargy from my being.
In the April, I moved out of the house and went to live with Rahul Bhadana and Gaurav Chaudhary. Actually, there is an interesting tale behind my moving out. I had planned to run away from the house, I was planning to run away to Bhutan. I remember crying in silence for this separation from Surbhi. I packed my bags but couldn't move out the same day, in the night I told papa mummy that I am going to live with Rahul. The next day I went to their house-E162, Gandhi Vihar, GTB Nagar. When I reached there, I realised my debt of gratitude towards my parents. Even if they are not very intellectual and averageness dominates their thinking process, I still owe them a debt, I have to make them happy, so I started preparing for CGL-2017, also a job might ensure a financial assistance to my dreams of becoming a world-class actor. I had joined a theatre group, Actors Studio Company Theatre owned by Akhilesh Khanna sir. I juggled with my preparation and classes. It was all very adventurous.
I have cleared my prelims and in the month of November, I came back to my house. I am now preparing for CGL Mains that would be in January of 2018. I have taken a leave from theatre classes as it is not very worthwhile. I will join a more happening theatre group next year and I am sure I will not rest until I have become A Great Theatre Actor. Rather that would be the start of my desired life, I am just creating the base for the life that I desire to live for next 2 years.
Other victories that need mentioning is that I have overcome my 5 years addiction of smoking cigarettes. And I have learned to type on the keyboard, I started practising it when I was working in the office and after almost one year, I am very proficient at it. I have not smoked weed or drunk alcohol for last 3 months because of my preparation. It has been a fulfilling year.
For next year, which is the year of 'Brilliant Achievement', I will be more focused on my duties as a Gakkai leader and will work on my human revolution and my acting skills.

The very big change that is required of me now, that I have just recently discovered, and like lethargy is very nocuous to my greatness is 'my inability to being truthful'. I am a big-fat-lier. Lying is my default programming, I am so good at it that I have used this quality in shaping all the standards and bases of my personality. But I realized that I am a weak, incomplete, untrustworthy, unlikable fellow. I get liked by everyone when they get to know me but with the passage of time, they realise that he is shallow and there is no integrity in his words. I want to be a strong man, someone whose words are valued, whose opinion is cherished, whose presence is needed. I want to become a strong persona, who is confident about his own character. Who is unbending towards other strong characters and supportive and uplifting to those weak around him. Someone like Steve Jobs, Count of Monte Cristo, Josei Toda. I will be truthful, no matter how much harm it does me. Ofcourse I will be prudent, any truth that would harm others needs to be wisely dealt but I will not lie to anyone to make myself look good as that is being pretentious. This is the next thing I am working upon and would be installing it in myself in the course of next year.